I miss you. I miss the way we were together both so in love, the way you looked at me and the way you made those silly faces at me. I miss the warmth of your eyes and that look you gave me as if I was the prettiest girl in the world. I miss your voice in my ear, our tickle fights, the overwhelming happiness I had while laying in your arms your hand running through my hair, the good morning texts, the adventures we went on together. I miss the security of knowing you were always there, you would never leave. I miss the hour phone calls, the smile you got when you looked at me, the little confessions, the intimate moments, the way we could always make each other laugh. I even miss the fights because it made me feel like what we had was real and worth it, that neither of us would give up on the other. I miss laying around and talking about what would happen in the future, painting pictures in our heads of a perfect life together. I miss meaning something to you, something important something irreplaceable, more than a friend, something much much more, something you don’t come across everyday, something you can’t find but something that, if you’re lucky enough, you stumble upon, something you hold on to forever because this its only once in a lifetime you find something so precious. Thats what I miss.

Fate

Sometimes I like to believe in fate. I like to believe everything happens or a reason, that its all part of some bigger plan. I want to believe that no matter what happens today, I still have a tomorrow. I hope that there’s someone out there made just for me and all I have to do is wait for fate to bring us together. But the smarter part of me knows that life is unpredictable and constantly changing. The choices you make alter your path. And deep down I know there probably is no such thing as soul mates. But there is a piece of me that is eternally hopeful.

Hope

Hope glimmers at the end of the long dark tunnel. No matter how tired I get I still keep going because you think I’ll be able to reach that light. That’s how it is with you. No matter what you say or do, there is that faint hope that you’ll be the way you used to be. So I stay. I put up with everything because what I want is still glimmering faintly in front of me. But deep down I know that lights can go out and that hope of things going back to the way they used to be can fade away into a memory and that maybe staying and trying when I’m tired and hurting won’t be worth it. Maybe you’ll walk away, smothering that light at the end of the tunnel and I’ll be so far in and it’ll be too dark to find my way back.

Your Mistake

It was your mistake that made me realize I don’t need you. You have become a big part of my life, a high priority, and someone I love. I put your happiness before my own. I disregarded my wants and needs and replaced them with yours. I made sacrifices to make you mine and keep you happy. I learned to be silent and keep my mouth shut when I was unhappy. I opened myself up to you in ways I never have with anyone else. I trusted in the way you made me feel and the words you made me believe. And then you broke my heart. You ended it. You said you didn’t need me or want me. And guess what? You left me and I survived. You think I need you to be okay. But I know that as much as it might hurt at first I can let go. And that’s your fault that I found that out. So thank you for making me realize I’m strong enough to say goodbye.

The Truth About Cheating

When someone cheats on you, your initial emotions are betrayal, pain, anger, etc. You feel stupid for caring about someone that clearly didn’t care about you. You can’t wrap your head around how they could possibly bring themselves to do that. This is normal. And this can fade away. You can get over these initial feelings and give in to their begging and pleading to take them back. What people don’t know is the truly devastating part of cheating is that nothing will ever be the same. Every time they go out without you, you will wonder what they are doing. The trust will never return. That sick feeling will linger in your stomach because all you can think is, “If they didn’t care enough about me not to cheat then, what makes me think they won’t do it again?”  

I miss my Photography

I’m thinking of picking up my old habits of photography again. Maybe it’ll help me escape and express myself through my pictures like it used to.

I Gave You My All

I gave you my all but it wasn’t enough.

I slaved for you, I cried for you.

I dropped all my plans to drive to you.

I took you places, and did things,

Made sacrifices and that shit stings

All because I loved you.

I gave you my all but it wasn’t enough.

I bit my tongue and hid my tears

Kept inside all my fears

I was always there for you no matter what

Even when you kept all your feelings shut

All because I loved you.

I gave you my all but it wasn’t enough.

I kept your secrets, and made you smile

I let you in, and gave you something worth while

And even though you changed I stayed

Hoping the bad times would go away

All because I loved you.

I gave you my all but it wasn’t enough.

I gave you my all, all because I loved you.

It’s killing me

It’s killing me letting you go. I gave you my everything. How do you just move on from something like that? But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is knowing that you don’t want to lose me, but you don’t know how to fix it. You don’t want to try to change and go back to the way you were. You don’t want to be that sweet, cute, funny, amazing guy I fell in love with because that guy put someone other than himself first. He opened up to a girl, he let her in, and she had the power to break his heart. And that scared you. And now you’re at a place where you don’t want to lose me but you don’t want to make me stay. And it kills me knowing that its a 50/50 chance you could tell me you love me and to stay or you could walk away as if I never mattered. And I try to keep it together, I really do, but I can’t help but think about you all the time. I keep waiting for my phone to get a text from you. I type out messages and then delete them before sending them. I don’t know what to do, who to be, where to go. I’m lost without you. 

There will come a time

There will come a time when I realize I am not in your future plans. You will move on and go places and you won’t plan to take me with you or keep in touch. There will come a time where I will come to terms with the fact that there is no more “you and me”. And I will say goodbye to the memories and I will pack away all the pictures and send them off to a place where someone else can remember them. And I will take all the ticket stubs from the movies we saw, and the little scraps of memories and i’ll put them in a box and send them off with the Trash on Tuesday morning. And I will cry and I will revisit the places we once went and I will regret not fighting for you. There will come a time where I will forget you, where I will let you slip away. And it’ll be in the strangest of places in the strangest of times that you will resurface. And I will smile because I will remember you and me and us and what we had. And it will bring love to my heart, a warmth I had once known. And then I will go on with my life. And I will wonder if you ever think about me, or where you are, or how you’ve been. And I will know none of these questions will be answered because you are no longer someone who is in my life, but I will let my imagination wander and I’ll still make up those imaginary scenarios of me and you together with a family and a beautiful big house. There will come a time when I’ll find someone else, and I will learn why we did not work out. But regardless, I will cherish our memories forever.